Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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