You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
