You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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