so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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