Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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