fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
