I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
