My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
