Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
