the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
