Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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