He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
