I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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