I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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