Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
