so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I touched a dick in church today
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
