I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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