Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
