Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
