Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
