I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Success! We fucked roommates!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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