So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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