I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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