she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
