The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
