I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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