Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
