i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
