i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Someone signed my nipple.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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