I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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