i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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