i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
