Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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