"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
