I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
