I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
