just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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