apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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