Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
