If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
