Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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