i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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