I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
