this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize