3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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