White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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