I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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