He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
