you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
