Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
