Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
