I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
