I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
