I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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