OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
