I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
