I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
