Can i not drive my cunt home
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
