I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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