Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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