The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
