I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize