I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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